"You Might Be a Nurse If..."

*You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I´ve never had sex."

*You hope there´s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light

*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

*You can´t see it; it´s probably not there.

*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven´t fallen asleep yet.

*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

*You see stress as a normal way of life.

*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient´s "big" problems.

*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*You´ve ever thought, "Patients, God love ´em, because today, I sure don´t!"

*Everything only happens all at once.

*You´ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*You look in your closet and can´t find anything non-medical to wear.

*You´ve ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."

*You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you´re a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.

*You´ve ever told a patient to "stop faking it."

*You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

*You don´t get excited about blood loss unless it´s your own.

*You don´t hit patients or doctors....unless absolutely necessary.

*You´ve ever said, "Why am I here?"


*Everyone gets treated exactly the same...until they piss you off.

*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

*You´ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I´ve never had sex."

*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn´t bother you.

*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*You´ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone´s vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

*You can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

*You´ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I´m afraid of shots."

*You´ve ever thought, "As long as he´s got a pulse, I don´t care about the rhythm."

*You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

*You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."

*You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.

*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

*You firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*You believe a book entitled "Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time" will be your next project.

*You´ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don´t know how that got stuck in there."

*You have ever had a patient say, "I´m not pregnant, I can´t be pregnant! I can´t be having a baby!"