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Old 04-30-2008, 03:59 PM
Scalpal Sal
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Default One liners

Tommy Cooper Jokes


Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.



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